When we’re worried about what other people think of us, what we’re really worried about is the fact that we think there’s something worrisome about us. It is not other people’s opinion that we’re concerned about, but our own concern that there’s something concerning about us.
Whether we feel that we’re not good enough in some capacity—not interesting, fun, lovable, charming—our narrative, some of it conscious, some subconscious, is that there’s something about us which is not how we want it to be. And thus, we want to hide it or change it, and make sure that other people don’t see it.
And when we worry about their opinion of us, what we’re really bothered by is whether they’re seeing it. But we’re only concerned about what they see, because we think there’s something undesirable there to be seen.
This is an illusion. It’s a false story which may have a lot of weight to it, because we’ve been believing it for years, and we have most certainly gathered evidence to support it—but it’s nonetheless fictitious. There are two main aspects that point to its falsehood. On the one hand, the fact that all of our characteristics are inherently worthy, and on the other that we’re more than the sum total of our human features.
Whatever we’re trying to hide or not be, we’re rejecting it not because objectively that aspect is undesirable, but because we have deemed it undesirable.
In reality, however, all traits and characteristics serve a purpose. Someone may be afraid that they’re boring, but boredom is a feature of our parasympathetic nervous system and an essential component of our ability to rest and relax. It’s low-intensity versus the high-intensity of always making an effort—and we need both aspects to function well.
Whatever features someone may not want to be associated with, the resistance to them invites two questions: a) are the characteristics really undesirable? and b) what is that person saying about themselves if they’re under the impression that they have to be a certain way in order to get the love and acceptance they’re looking for?