Why does failure bother us so much? Why does it evoke such strong emotional reaction? Why are we so afraid of it we wouldn’t attempt things just in order to avoid it?
Failure reinforces the illusion we’re trying to escape through succeeding.
Our connection to the drivers of our behaviour is complex. Studies show that we aren’t particularly good at estimating what would make us happy. What we think we want often isn’t what we really want.
Some of our goals are the result of a coping mechanism—of an attempt to remove internal discontent, which in itself is the product of separateness from who we really are. Searching for happiness may be an attempt to minimise pain.
Pursuit often comes from desire to avoid. When we aim to accomplish something, we are often trying to avoid something else. This includes being who we are. Wanting to change something about ourselves can be a form of self-avoidance. I need to not be who I am, so I need to improve myself. Ironically, who I am is the only vehicle I have of getting there.
Who we are for ourselves is often hassling for more. Because we are not happy with ourselves. Why? Because it’s not the accomplishments that we really are after. What we really want is the way they’ll make us feel about ourselves. But, that experience of self is not a by-product of accomplishment. It doesn’t unfold from adding more things to our life. It unfolds from removing the painful ideas we have about ourselves. What we really are looking for is the absence of inadequacy and insecurity.