The key to avoiding what we’re trying to avoid is in facing it. Whether it’s rejection, failure, guilt or shame, the things we try to prevent are the answer to preventing them.
What are the things we can’t be with?
The things we can’t be with, those that we both instinctively and purposefully try to avoid, often create so much internal friction that even thinking about them can be unbearable. We avoid thinking about what we’re trying to avoid. Shocker! Our worst case scenarios exert such pressure and discomfort over us that we cringe even at the thought of them. So we pull away. But on the other side of the pain they create is the freedom from this pain.
Bringing the opposite energy
The things we try to avoid are normally things that cause us fear, anxiety, shame or guilt. These are oppressive feelings. They create heaviness and discontent in us—and as such we often instinctually pull away from them.
But when this happens, it is the feeling that controls our response to them. One simple strategy to mitigate this is to disarmed the oppressors by giving them the opposite of what they call for. Shame demands secrecy. So bringing openness to shame is to disarm it. That’s why sharing an embarrassing incident with a friend brings us relief.
Two misconceptions about avoidance
We have two misconceptions about the things we try to avoid:
- They’re in the outside world. They’re in us.
- They’re in the future. They’re in the present.
We think that the reasons we want to avoid something are external. I don’t want to fail so I don’t ruin my reputation. I want to be a great partner, so that I’m not rejected. I don’t want to be criticised, so I may be a people pleaser, or I may avoid the company of overly critical or direct people, or set low standards for myself to make sure I meet them.
And so the misconception is that I’m trying to avoid something in the outside world, some external event or societal response to me. to But in reality what I’m trying to avoid is an internal feeling.
When I prevent criticism, what I’m trying to prevent is the way I’ll feel about myself when I’m criticised. What I’m trying to avoid is already in me.
The second misconception is that we’re trying to prevent something from happening—i.e. what we’re trying to avoid is in the future. It’s not. What I’m trying to not experience, I’ve been experiencing already. In fact, the very reason why I try to avoid it is because I’m already subject to it.
The reason you’re trying to avoid judgement is because you’re already judging yourself. You’re afraid of failure because on some level you already feel that you’ve failed. You want to avoid rejection and be accepted because you’re already rejecting yourself.
What we’re so hard trying to avoid in the world around us is within us. It’s not the occurrence of fear, guilt or shame I’m trying to escape, but its strengthening.
The problem is the solution
And this is good news because there are two benefits that this awareness brings us.
- Identifying what we’re trying to avoid is the gateway to freeing ourselves from it.
- What we thought was contingent on external circumstances is actually dependent on us.
We often say things to the effect of “I feel this way because it’s who I am.”.
The implication in this statement is that my feelings can’t be any different because they are an extension of me. And this is perfectly true. Who we are and our feelings are a perfect fit.
But what about the other variable in the me = feelings equation? Can who I am be any different?
We often experience resistance to thinking so. We tend to conceive of ourselves as something constant, unchangeable, set in stone in some way. We may have countless examples of how we’ve changed and yet we seem to believe that certain aspects of ourselves are unchangeable.
Evolution show us that this isn’t the case. We are very adaptable and changeable beings, even on a level we can’t consciously control such as the neuroplasticity of our brains.
This means that when who we are changes, our feelings change. And it is by identifying and transcending the set of lies we have about ourselves that we change and hence give rise to different feelings.
Looking at the things we can’t be with helps us get to the real reasons of why we can’t be with them. These reasons are often a set of lies we believe about ourselves. We often believe them so much, we are, ironically, vehemently invested in not transcending them. That’s our ego.
These false notions are also often intertwined with judgement of ourselves. But what we can’t be with is the gateway to being with it. The things we avoid point to our own false limiting ideas about ourselves, our own internal judgement of ourselves and it is in transcending this that our freedom lies.