If a little child approaches us and they are scared or upset, we make the assumption that they want to be comforted and held rather than ignored and pushed away.
Our feelings, hurts and concerns, normally founded in fear, are like that little child. In a way, they even are the child, because they are the result of fragmentation and separation from ourselves that we experienced as kids due to traumatic experiences. But when they approach us, we ignore them or push them away.
What does pain call for?
Our normal approach to resolving our problems and concerns is to overcome them. That’s also what many well-being experts and practitioners point us to—strategies and advice on how we can find solutions.
When unpleasant feelings surface, rather than bring comfort to them as we’d do with a little child, we try to get rid of them because we want the suffering they cause us to stop. But what they need and what ultimately makes them lessen the grip they have on us is to be held.
If you’re anxious about a presentation you’re about to give, or a meeting you’re about to have, you immediately start searching your mind for what it is that you can do to get rid of the anxiety. You can speak to a friend, distract yourself with something, do some breathwork.
Or perhaps you wake up on the weekend, and you’re feeling a little lonely. It’s your day off and rather than feeling energised to do the things you’ve been wanting to do, you’re lonely. And so you start looking for ways to fix it—you can see what local events are happening, or if any of your friends are up for doing something, or you can perhaps watch something?
Why overcoming problems doesn’t work
Trying to overcome our feelings often aggravates them because it’s a form of resistance. And resistance is a form of critical judgement about our experience—which is what is causing the problem on the first place. Because the undesirable feeling itself is not the real problem, but only a part of the problem. The real problem is that we think the feeling says something undesirable about us, which is why we want to get rid of it, and wanting to get rid of it is what makes it persist.
If we look inwards and listen to the inner monologue when we experience something we don’t like, we’re likely to hear a lot of self-judgemental commentary revolving around how we don’t want to be the type of person who has these feelings. They harm us, they hold us back, they make us look vulnerable—and of course we don’t want to be vulnerable, because we grow up in an environment that teaches us to be strong and deal with our problems. This denies the reality of what we’re experiencing.
So, what we’re actually saying when we want to get rid of a feeling is that it’s not okay to be feeling this way, because it’s not okay to be a person who’s feeling this way. But of course it’s okay to feel this way—because it’s how we’re feeling. And if we gave ourselves the permission to feel what we’re feeling, without any critical judgement, it’ll feel even more okay to feel this way.
Being with the feeling
Instead of resisting and pushing the unpleasant feelings away, we can bring to them what they call for.
Anxiety, which is a form of fear, calls for comfort.
Loneliness calls for company.
Sadness calls for presence.
Anger, which is often a form of fear and helplessness, calls for comfort.
Our feelings are not looking for solutions, they are looking for our presence. So, rather than push away, we can try to just sit and be with what is. And it is this energy of non-judgemental presence with unpleasant feelings that dissolves them.