A friend recently asked me what I made of the following: an acquaintance of his whom he’d recently met at an event, had messaged him asking for the name of a book he’d mentioned. My friend read the behaviour as slightly disrespectful: they’d reconnected at the event, after sharing a common experience, and rather than suggesting meeting again, the guy was just trying to get something out of him.
I read the communication very differently. I thought that what the guy really wanted was to connect with my friend on a deeper level, but because he was afraid how that would be perceived, he approached with something shallower first. In other words, rather than being disrespectful, the guy thought so highly of my friend that he had to invent an innocuous pre-text for getting in touch because he was afraid how my friend would perceive him.
In quantum physics, according to the observer effect the behaviour of particles changes depending on who is watching them. Similarly, the meaning behind people’s behaviour is not objective. The way someone’s words are interpreted depends not only on the person who’s receiving them, but also on the way they are disposed in that particular moment. We all see life through different lenses. And the lenses we look through change what we see. Our personality, experiences, moods and mindset all shape what meaning we infer from our experiences. The same gesture may hit us in two very different ways depending on our mood and disposition.
If our trust has just been betrayed, we’re likely to see mistrustful behaviour also where such doesn’t necessarily exist. If someone has just treated us disrespectfully, we’re likely to be more sensitive to potential signs of a lack of consideration. Hurtful experiences tint the perspective we look through and make us more sensitive to their potential reoccurrence. Our brain working to predict and protect us is more vigilant than usual in wanting to make sure we don’t re-experience the hurt, and it’s likely to anticipate its potential occurrence.
When the scale of our emotions is imbalanced, small taps on the side that’s heavily loaded created disproportionate impact. Sometimes so much so that we may mistake reverence for a lack of respect.
Often what hides behind the surface intention is its very opposite: behind the lack of respect may be reverence; behind the arrogance may be fear; behind the bravado may be vulnerability.