What we judge in others is often what we sense and reject in ourselves. The traits and behaviours we criticise, actively or passively, in friends, partners, co-workers, society at large are usually characteristics we see in ourselves and are uncomfortable with.
Whether we judge someone for being indecisive, forceful, messy, inconsistent, spineless—we often feel that same energy or the very lack of it within us. And the dissonance we have with exhibiting that trait is what compels us to projecting it onto others as a means of resolving it. In other words, we’re looking to make peace with what we’re judging. And we project it outwards because it’s difficult to resolve it within us. Externalising it makes it more tangible and palpable on the one hand and on the other hand easier for us to navigate because it’s outside rather than within us.
Our inability to be with what we judge in others is proportionate to our level of judgement. The more critical we are of something, the more unease we have around it internally, and the more relief and freedom there is in its resolution.
What does this mean when we’re the object of judgement?
What people judge in us is very personal to them. And it’s all about them rather than us.
Sometimes, behaviours and traits others are critical of in us are characteristics they want to see more of in themselves.
What does it mean when we judge others?
Identifying what we judge in others is helpful in contemplating how we relate to these characteristics internally. Where do we see or sense these same behaviours or traits within us, and what creates the discomfort we have around them? Are we unable to be with these aspects of ourselves because we judge ourselves for having too much or too little of them?
What gives rise to the resistance to accept these characteristics— whether we’re resisting their excessiveness or moderation within us—just as they are? If we feel that we have too much of something, what makes this problematic?