Our fears are often future-oriented. We’re worried about an outcome we want to avoid and we’re projecting it into the future—they might reject my offer, I might embarrass myself, I might underperform.
The worrying may increase our heartbeat, we may feel short of breath, sweaty, or shaky. The impact of the thoughts on our nervous system and bodies is very real. But what we’re afraid of is fictitious. It is a potentiality. It is something that a) is in the future and b) may never happen.
It’s real, but it’s fiction
It is very human to worry about the future. Our brains are designed to anticipate and protect. It’s natural for our minds to wander to worrisome thoughts because we feel a pressure to be vigilant in making sure that we avoid bad things from happening. But this is futile and counterproductive for two reasons: a) the more balanced and clear-minded we are, the better equipped we are to respond to situations; b) the hyper-vigilance perpetuates what it’s trying to avoid by bringing the energy of what we fear into the otherwise unblemished present moment. In other words, when we fear something we increase the likelihood of it happening.
Our thoughts arise as they do and we often can’t control this, but we can choose how to engage with them and respond to them. The extent to which we want to entertain them, the validity we want to grant them, the questions we want to ask them. Our emotions and thoughts are very biased—and it helps to see them as that, and at times, treat them with a degree of playfulness.
Fearful thoughts have a physical imprint—we may feel a heaviness in the chest, tension in our throat, lack of energy. When this happens, it feels uncomfortable and frightening, and we try to battle these physical manifestations away and make them stop. This resistance, which is often subconscious, exacerbates the emotions. In the same way in which our natural response to being ordered is resistance, our natural response to resistance is resistance. When we resist our physical reaction to fearful thoughts, we’re ordering our bodies to behave in a certain way, and the body responds with resistance. It helps instead to just presence whatever we’re feeling. To bring our attention to it, and just examine the way it feels. This often soothes both the physical and mental response and makes us feel more peaceful. Essentially, our natural response to unpleasant mental and physical sensations is the masculine—we respond with force and orders. Instead, if we bring the feminine energy of nurturing, holding, and caring—it helps restore us to safety.
Fear is victimhood
Fear is also a form of victimhood. It says that our well-being depends on something that’s not within our control. But both the dependence and the lack of control are inaccurate.
When we’re afraid of something, we’re telling ourselves that we won’t be okay unless the circumstances revolve the way we want them to revolve. But how do we know this? Essentially, we are a victim of our own unflattering perception of ourselves. If I think that I don’t leave a good first impression, I may be nervous about meeting other people. I’m then in constant reaction to my limited perception of myself—which makes me dependent and reactive. But I am the one who’s thinking that a) I leave a bad first impression and b) that I must not. And I’m the one who’s choosing to continue to think this when likely I have evidence to the contrary. Why? Likely, because I’m under the influence of some deeper-seated fear I have about myself—which is what I really am the victim of.
In other words, if someone wants people to like them when they meet them, it may be because on a deeper level they fear that they’re not very interesting, funny, or lovable. Wanting to be liked then is the response to the fear that they may not be likable, but it is futile because it doesn’t get rid of the fear it just assuages it. The fear gives rise to the idea that they must come across in a certain way to be liked, so rather than try and be that person, they can just get rid of the fear because it’s the fear telling them that they need to be a certain person on the first place.
Being worried about what others think of us is more about us, than about other people. The associated concern is often founded in unflattering ideas we have about ourselves, and seeing these and examining their validity, is where we can find true freedom, peace and power.