We are often so focused on getting approval and acceptance from other people that we abandon our own needs and our authentic expression in order to belong. We hide parts of ourselves that we believe are unlikable, we modify our opinions, censor our expression.
All so because we’re so afraid of the pain of feeling that we don’t belong, that we are the odd one out, that we are disliked. We have of course evolved to protect against that. Our neurobiology pushes against not being part of the herd, because historically that was akin to death.
But abandoning ourselves to fit in is akin to death, too. It’s the death of who you really are. You serve neither yourself, nor others, nor life when you try to be different to who you are. Even worse, you incapacitate yourself in a way. We are only available to the full extent of our resources and power when we are present to our true essence.
And at the deepest level, it’s the acceptance and approval of our own selves that we are looking for. It’s our own shadow that we are most frightened of—our own fears and judgements about ourselves, not other peoples’ view of us.
We search for external approval in order to escape from our shadow. Ironically, it is when we open to the shadow, when we explore it, dive into it, integrate it that we find the peace and liberation we’re looking for.