We search for external approval and validation in order to reconcile what’s already within—our self-judgements and fears. It is that internal dissonance and discomfort created by the voice of the inner critic that we are looking to get a relief from when we seek approval from others.
But no amount of external reassurance can sustainably assuage the pain of self-judgement. Others’ validation works, but only as a temporary fix. And then our subconscious reverts to the story we’ve been telling ourselves, presenting our perceived inadequacies, limitations and fears in new ways.
The reason external approval doesn’t work as a long-term fix is very simple. We are looking for an outside-in solution to an inside-out problem. In other words, we are looking for an external intervention to an internally-generated problem. That’s akin to relieving physical pain with painkillers—it doesn’t get to the root of the problem, but only temporarily suppresses the symptoms.
Other people’s reassurance that we are not inadequate or unlovable doesn’t work because it is our own reassurance that we need. And, on the deepest level, it’s not even the confirmation that there’s nothing wrong with us that we need, but the removal of doubt to the contrary. Until we eradicate this doubt, no amount of reassurance from ourselves or others will give us the inner peace and confidence we’re looking for.
People may praise us all they like. They may admire us and think the world of us. But none of this can reach us fully if we’re putting ourselves down on the first place. Compliments dissolve, unfelt, unseen, unheard, when they are met by internal doubt.