Many of us learn as children that love is conditional. Whenever we expressed a need that wasn’t met, whenever we were told off for our behaviour, the lesson we learned was that love is only available on certain terms. That being who we are is not enough. That if we want to be loved, to belong, to be accepted, we need to be and behave a certain way.
People are unable to love unconditionally because they derive their sense of self from their association with others. They need their partners, family, friends to fit with their needs, so they could feel safe within themselves. We want children we could be proud of. We want partners that make us look good. If a parent couldn’t love us for who we really were—that’s not a rejection of our identity, but their overinvestment in theirs, driven by fear and uncertainty.
Experiencing the demands of conditional love leads us to abandon our authenticity and our true expression in favour of garnering love and acceptance. We split off from ourselves and learn to become who we think we should be. And as children, because we’re dependent on our caregivers for survival, we don’t have choice.
But as adults, we do. And that starts with accepting that certain people aren’t going to love you and appreciate you for who you are. And you can either refuse to acknowledge this, put on a mask, and step into a role, or you can remain true to yourself and your authenticity.
Instead of fighting for conditional love, try to give unconditional love.